On being stuck


There comes a time when we see through the foggy busy-ness of our lives and we slowly realize all the distractions that have kept us stuck. Relationships and marriages that serve as a duty structure, where we perform roles that empower our identity but prolong suffering. Jobs that respond to our need for safety and security, but slowly damage our spirit. Friendships and social lives organized around unspoken rules, that help us to fit in, but don't correspond to who we truly are. A lot of noise in our lives, tasks, plans, things to do or to avoid and behind all of it - we are stuck. In what was a dream or a promise we made to ourselves long ago or fixed in an idea about who we think we are. And that background feeling of being unhappy and tired. Rarely joyful or spontaneous. Rarely having peace of mind.

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When I hear this description in my therapy office, I know the person in front of me is lucky. Something within their own psyche is ready to change. People focus on outward results, like changing a job, moving away from an unhappy and unstable relationship, but in truth, the need to shift has nothing to do with the external situation. Some parts of the person's psyche need recognition, need a place to live and blossom. For many, it is their creativity that wants to feel free. For others is their adult part, wanting to break free of self-sabotaging patterns that keep the person small. For others, is the inner - woman or the inner - man growing into their own substance, tired of being hidden beneath the role of the mother/father or child. And we think we need an outward change to feel allowed to shift within. However, we do things in the wrong way. Because change comes always from inside.

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So taking the time to know the part within that wants to blossom is the right thing to do. Outward and external changes will come, naturally and effortlessly, when we feed and water the seeds of freedom within. Instead of weighing what we lose and what we gain from taking a leap in our lives, I suggest spending time and focusing attention on those elements - emotions, sensations, perceptions, thoughts, and feelings - that give you insights about how unhappy or tired you are. Check where you feel like that in your body. Breath there and slowly imagine this emotion has a body or a face, or any element that comes to you. Ask and talk with this part within and acknowledge its presence.

It may seem strange to you what I suggest, but it works. That is what happens in a therapy room. In a safe and comfortable manner, we allow all these parts to have their voice. And we ask all the other parts that construct our identity to accept what is being said and felt.

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Before changing your job, breaking your relationship or instead of staying stuck in a chaotic and numb way of living, take a pen and paper and write yourself a letter. From the bottom of your heart. Tell yourself how you feel. Be open and curious and express all your feelings even though you may not have the right words for them. And then read. And then, after a week, write again and maybe you will see more self-love, more acceptance and more understanding, both of the mind and of the heart.

It's not easy to explore inside and we are not taught in school, by parents or by society how to do it. But at the end of the day, or at the end of life - you, and only you are responsible about how well or how hard you chose to live your life. And focusing inside is an efficient way to get to know yourself and move away from being stuck.

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Talk with your fears. With your shame, your doubt, your confusion. Spend time with them like you would take your best friend. Be curious. And then you will feel whole, more genuine, more real. You will feel more like who you truly are.

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